distorted

sometimes I feel like what I'm saying, thinking, feeling, praying, etc. is so wrong. SO distorted. so far from what it should be. it's easy for me to craft out a perfect blog post that has been carefully worded and proofread. it's not so easy when I'm venting to a friend or even praying/journaling. 

tonight, I was alone in the room. and I felt it. there are some nights when the emptiness of the rooms overwhelms me. with two roomies at formal and the other at a birthday party, I just felt like there was nothing to do. I had scrolled all my normal Pinterest pages and nothing was going on on Facebook or Twitter. 

so I sat and started thinking--quite the dangerous endeavor. 

so often my thoughts go to things that don't honor the Lord. they go to worry. to fear. to sadness. they bring out my insecurities and my pitfalls. they focus on the bad that has happened and blur the good that has come from it.

sadness that I probably won't ever get to dress up again and go to a formal. fear that I won't find relationships like the ones I see my friends building because I don't have a group laid out for me. worry that the ones I have found are unbalanced, and that I care more than they do.

stupid. stupid. stupid. I know that it is stupid. and those are just tonight's thoughts.

in the midst of these thoughts, I decided to get out my journal and tell God how I felt about all this. and tell Him I did. I am thankful that the Lord allows us to come to Him no matter our emotional state. I am thankful that He forgives and calls me His FRIEND. I found myself asking Him questions and demanding that His will be aligned with mine. after some of the things I wrote I was just like "what? no. not okay." they were distorted questions and pleas. for example, I expressed to the Lord how badly I needed a possible opportunity to work out. "Lord, let it work out. I need it. Let me do your will there. I can't handle another fallen opportunity." immediately, I was convicted. I demanded, doubted, and basically told God that He was not enough. so often I ask the Lord to do His will no matter what, but it is not the cry of my heart. it's not really what I want. it's a lie. and that breaks me. it breaks me when I don't trust Him. it breaks me to think about how it must break Him. I think about how broken I would feel if I knew one of my friends wouldn't trust me to help them.

the Word tells us that His will is good, acceptable, and perfect. it tells us that if we are of the Lord, and not of the world, we will be able to discern what it is (Romans 12:2). this leads me to think of all the worldly things that I desire. friendship, acceptance, beauty, comfort, love--to name a few. we are told that ALL of these things can be found in Jesus. in our savior and our father. we have the ability to find rest in Him. I can do it. you can do it, too. 

so, if I have this ability, why is it so hard to trust Him? to rest in His promises? why is it so hard for me to find joy in KNOWING His will is perfect and that it will come to pass? I find joy in such small, mundane things of this world. they are microscopic in comparison to the joy found in a fraction of the Lord's will. MICROSCOPIC, LACEY! tiny. they do not matter! why do I make these things more important? why do they occupy my mind when I am still? my still moments--and every moment for that matter--should be dedicated to the Lord's will. 

I pray often that I will find comfort and contentment in the Lord and His will. sometimes it's genuine, sometimes it's empty. I am now praying for that to be the cry out my heart. my one and only desire. my purpose. my JOY. I am also praying for this to be permanent and not just another fleeting thought. pray with me, friends?